Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
