I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
