proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
