forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
