you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
