so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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