I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
