i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's not a walk of shame if you run
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
