please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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