Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
