We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
