Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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