It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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