Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
