So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
