i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
