dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I cut my penus on the lid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
