You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
