She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
