Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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