Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
