this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
