I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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