I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
