Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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