and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
