I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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