He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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