I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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