i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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