I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
