It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
