Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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