I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
