Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
