I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
