Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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