I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
