Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
