Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
