Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
