just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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