Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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