my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
