90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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