I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
