Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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