cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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