Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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