Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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