I just pynch a tree in the face
i was born a porn star she said
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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