My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
