Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
barbara walters just said penis...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
