so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
