Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
