Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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