everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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