....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
