My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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