I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
